the most wonderful time of the year

its the most wonderful time of the year

all come to celebrate

but for me

it is simply the ticking of the calendar year

 

rather than outward like others

with their pre mixed drinks

perfect friends, boyfriends even

i am inward

 

in my head

in my stomach

caught up in the symptoms

that come from living my life

 

in the doctors room

she calls it

the impulsive brain

misinforming the smart brain

 

but i can’t live my life

between those four walls

i am only here

trapped within the walls of my own body

 

checking

am i sick?

checking

are others sick?

checking

are my bones protruding?

checking, checking, checking

 

when the countdown begins

gone awol since 8pm

but those close know where to find me

 

under the covers

fetal position

so it is bearable

 

when the dawn breaks

an idyllic morning

i wake to the recurring thought

 

another fucking day

 

 

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