the most wonderful time of the year

its the most wonderful time of the year

all come to celebrate

but for me

it is simply the ticking of the calendar year


rather than outward like others

with their pre mixed drinks

perfect friends, boyfriends even

i am inward


in my head

in my stomach

caught up in the symptoms

that come from living my life


in the doctors room

she calls it

the impulsive brain

misinforming the smart brain


but i can’t live my life

between those four walls

i am only here

trapped within the walls of my own body



am i sick?


are others sick?


are my bones protruding?

checking, checking, checking


when the countdown begins

gone awol since 8pm

but those close know where to find me


under the covers

fetal position

so it is bearable


when the dawn breaks

an idyllic morning

i wake to the recurring thought


another fucking day



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