the library of my past

is it wrong

for a part of me

to long to be back in the past

when i did not have a monster

to fight everyday

and pink pills to take

and appointments to make

and battles to win

just to keep breathing

 

i always wonder

what one decision

what one path

led me to this one

full of discontent

inky black ponds

and foggy heads

from missed dosages

 

what could i have done differently

to have not ended up this way?

 

or do you think

our script is prewritten

and that no matter how good i tried to be

or what choices i made

all roads would inevitably lead to here

 

that the ladder of my genetics

would mean that at some point

i would hit this speed bump

which is now beginning to feel like more of a mountain

somewhat never-ending

and infinite

 

my lungs are sore

 

and i can not even butter my toast correctly in the morning

let alone try

and pick through the files of my past

to find one reason for this mess

 

although i have mostly put the books away

in the library of my past

full of the stories of the days that have been

sometimes i take them out

and skim over them

 

that small part of me longing

to be back in the warm sunlight

of the girl i used to be.

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